Happy new year.
Here are my resolutions
1) Learn some Spanish.
2) Finish some more short stories. (I'm writing one about intelligent cows visiting Earth at the moment - it's better than it sounds)
3) Send short stories to publishers.
4) Have Will Self say I'm a shit writer in a review should someone decide to publish me.
5) Have fight with Will Self outside the Ivy and smash him in the hooter then run away
6) Have Will Self chase me down Oxford Street before giving me a posh shoeing near Marble Arch.
7) Claim Will Self was lucky. That I could take him anytime.
8) Sell my story for 1 million pounds to Hello magazine. Have them zoom in on my puffy bruised eyes.
9) Get a makeover, courtesy of hello magazine.
10) Have a fight with Trinny and Susannah. Smash the skinny one when she's not looking, before the macho one takes me down and kicks me in. (I don't know which is which)
11) Sell my story for 1 million pounds to Ok! magazine.
12) Buy some shoes with the money.
13) Get a tattoo of some crows or ravens.
14) Find myself a Greek Orthodox Priests outfit. I think the easiest way is to study to be a priest, but I can't wait so many years. I just want the clothes man! And that cool insence burner you flail at people. And an olive branch to splash holy water on everyone with. And an entourage.
15) Hunt vampires dressed as a Greek Orthodox Priest.
16) If I meet a real vampire, try and blag him that I'm a real priest.
17) Shave... more often.
18) Listen to more Radio 6. "Discover" some bands before they are famous. Go to a few well chosen gigs (i'm going to cut down, I live too far from London, I'm too old to do this 3 times a month stuff)
19) Go to more art exhibitions. (Been to Millais and Louise Bourgeois recently with Deb, both excellent)
20) Try and understand wine a bit better, I have a huge nose, it should just be a precursor to being an expert, why can't I tell the difference between hock and sancerre? It's not fair.
21) Visit more countries.
22) Discover a new species of lizard.
23) Eat new species of lizard then realise it was the last one in the world and I am personally responsible for its extinction.
24) Sell my story to hello magazine.
25) Score a goal with my right foot.
26) Keep fit and healthy.
27) Find somewhere comfortable in London where I can smoke a narkileh like an ottoman sultan on some huge cushions, clap my hands and summon a muscular oiled eunuch with ostrich feathers to fan me down and belly dancers to do my bidding.
I think that is all for now, I will review in June and mark my progress.