In 1987 and some new gigs

In 1987, I made a life changing decision. I took a course in computer studies at Southgate Technical college. I don't have any regrets about this. You can't have regrets, or they will tear you apart in later life, when you are a bitter wizened old goat.

Computers have made me the financially secure, socially inept yet harmlessley charming man I am. But I wonder what would have happened if I did study Zoology which was my first choice before bowing to family pressure? Greeks don't study Zoology. They cut animals up, and eat them, not study them. I would have been a pioneer.

In a parallel universe, I think I'm a world famous succesful zoologist, studying endangered species, and them eating them when I've bred enough of them to not feel so bad about tucking into their flesh.

I wonder if that Mel is happy? I think he'd be an arrogant turd, and wave to people from his limo like the queen. Wanker. He probably goes out with Bridget Bardot (40 years his senior) living in her cat sanctuary in Bordeux, trying desperately to secretly eat as many cats as possible (secretly as Bridget is a veggie) before they shit all over the mansion.

As for my gig update, went to Kings College (I forgot how nice a venue it is) to see Fields on Wednesday with Ongey. Both fields and the support band Hush the Many were great. Sort of folk-post rock, which is a weird combo. But I loved them. And I think all the boys in the audience fell in love with Thorrun the keyboard player of Fields. But me and Ongey being venerable gentlemen merely doffed our flat caps to her beauty and concentrated on the music! Love that quiet quiet loud vibe....

Back to Kings College this wednesday to see the Noisette's, seeing the Bossman for the first time since the Duke Spirit in December. He's now a daddy, so I should buy him some sort of JD related cocktail in congratulation! I'll be taking my (debs) camera with me and hope to get some good shots of the band. Good album, loose lazy label : Blondie, but more raucous.

Adios.

John Martyn and Merriman Weir

Squeezed between trips to Germany for work I saw John Martyn last week at the Royal Albert Hall. For his Solid Air tour. I was really excited about it, two of his albums are magnificent, Solid Air (1973) and One World (1977) and I was looking forward to listening to "Go Down Easy" live, a song that can make grown men cry.

Musically John is still a genius, he had a great band, great arrangements and played the guitar like the devil would. Physically though he's not in good shape. He's a drinker and recently he had one of his legs amputated. And he's massive now, with laboured breathing, but that didn't detract from his singing.

So the gig left me feeling a bit empty and sad, but proud in the knowledge I'd witnessed a folk/blues/jazz legend.

Unfortunately for me, but quite amusingly, I'd been to the Royal Albert Hall at the end of March to see a comedy night hosted by Russell Brand and Noel Fielding. And yes, they were piss inducingly funny....

But one of the contributors was Matt Holness... aka Merriman Weir (also played Garth Marenghi - which I reccomend to anyone). Merriman Weir is a spoof folk musician specialising in the melancholic... he's actually a brilliant guitarist but seeing him so close to the John Martyn gig polluted my mind and made me laugh listening to Solid Air, which is wrong!

One song particularly "Loving You" was almost a spoof of John Martyn with that vaguely incoherent vocal style...

Regarde...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-CkvEcdubU

And the main man....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_reEJwIudc

Undulate, Not Ungulate

I was cross with myself today, and thus must punish myself by revealing my mistake. For years, I've been using the word "ungulate" to describe big and wobbly yet graceful things, such as semi set strawberry jellies or fulsome boobah's.

What I didn't know, is that the word I should have been using was "undulate". What a complete prick, I'm going to have to replace every instance (and there are probably 18 of them) of the word in the novel I've been working on for the past ten years…. Dick!

From my MS Word thesaurus (in case I get sued by Bill Gates, credit where credits due)

Undulate – 1. Move sinuously like waves - transitive and intransitive verb to move, or cause something to move, in waves or in a movement resembling waves. 2. Go up and down gracefully.

Ungulate – 1. Resembling a hoof in shape or function. 2. Hoofed Mammal. a mammal with hoofs, for example the horse, rhinoceros, pig, giraffe, deer, or camel.

So everyone, there is no such thing as "Ungulating breasts" ok? Unless they happen to be shaped like hoofs, which would be plain stupid. Why has no one told me this before?

It reminds me of the time Caprice was on celebrity big brother, and yes, I watch that shit. I'm not proud, but they always choose messed up people to go on it and I like the psychological danger in the group dynamics, praying someone will have the shit kicked out of them for using all the toilet paper or get beaten to death with a plastic spaghetti serving spoon by an irate Jimmy Nail….. and the clip where George Galloway does robot dancing in a leotard is just the best, and in fact the most sickeningly repellent thing I've ever seen on TV. And I've watched a lot of TV, believe me. (Strangely I couldn't find it on youtube as I want to watch it again, it disgusts me, yet I want it more…)

Anyway, Caprice… when they were showing her introduction bit before she entered the house, she said that she hated people who "flagellated". And I was like what? You don't like people who whip themselves furiously into a religious fervour? Why? No, what she meant was "flatulated" – which isn't even a word! Durrrrrr……! Just goes to show, it even happens to semi-intelligent celebrities. Not just me.

Flagellate – 1. To whip somebody or oneself, especially for sexual or religious

purposes. 2. Flagella - a microorganism with tiny cellular appendages (flagella). Some flagellates are pathogenic parasites that cause diseases such as giardiasis in humans. (I don't want to catch giardiasis – that sounds frightening)

Flatulate – No such word! Cannot be used as a verb. However :

Flatulant – A massive build of gasses in the large intestine, occasionally causing intense guffs, stinking your gaffe out with the smell of semi digested full English breakfast. (My definition – not MS Word, or from the oxford English dictionary I hasten to add)

Caprice – if you are reading, I just want to claim solidarity with you. Much like you, I mess up on words, and I also have loved Tony Adams, for different reasons of course. I never had a nice meal with him or anything like that. Just saw him try to kick that gristly lump Mark Hughes into next week, which probably gave me the same thrill and arousal as you had when he romantically stretched his fingers out, for you to try his crispy duck pancake he lovingly prepared for you, with just the right amount of plum sauce and cucumbers sliced lengthways. The way you like them.

This blog is dedicated to Dora and brought to you by semi digested full English breakfasts. The choice of hardmen.