I was cross with myself today, and thus must punish myself by revealing my mistake. For years, I've been using the word "ungulate" to describe big and wobbly yet graceful things, such as semi set strawberry jellies or fulsome boobah's.
What I didn't know, is that the word I should have been using was "undulate". What a complete prick, I'm going to have to replace every instance (and there are probably 18 of them) of the word in the novel I've been working on for the past ten years…. Dick!
From my MS Word thesaurus (in case I get sued by Bill Gates, credit where credits due)
Undulate – 1. Move sinuously like waves - transitive and intransitive verb to move, or cause something to move, in waves or in a movement resembling waves. 2. Go up and down gracefully.
Ungulate – 1. Resembling a hoof in shape or function. 2. Hoofed Mammal. a mammal with hoofs, for example the horse, rhinoceros, pig, giraffe, deer, or camel.
So everyone, there is no such thing as "Ungulating breasts" ok? Unless they happen to be shaped like hoofs, which would be plain stupid. Why has no one told me this before?
It reminds me of the time Caprice was on celebrity big brother, and yes, I watch that shit. I'm not proud, but they always choose messed up people to go on it and I like the psychological danger in the group dynamics, praying someone will have the shit kicked out of them for using all the toilet paper or get beaten to death with a plastic spaghetti serving spoon by an irate Jimmy Nail….. and the clip where George Galloway does robot dancing in a leotard is just the best, and in fact the most sickeningly repellent thing I've ever seen on TV. And I've watched a lot of TV, believe me. (Strangely I couldn't find it on youtube as I want to watch it again, it disgusts me, yet I want it more…)
Anyway, Caprice… when they were showing her introduction bit before she entered the house, she said that she hated people who "flagellated". And I was like what? You don't like people who whip themselves furiously into a religious fervour? Why? No, what she meant was "flatulated" – which isn't even a word! Durrrrrr……! Just goes to show, it even happens to semi-intelligent celebrities. Not just me.
Flagellate – 1. To whip somebody or oneself, especially for sexual or religious
purposes. 2. Flagella - a microorganism with tiny cellular appendages (flagella). Some flagellates are pathogenic parasites that cause diseases such as giardiasis in humans. (I don't want to catch giardiasis – that sounds frightening)
Flatulate – No such word! Cannot be used as a verb. However :
Flatulant – A massive build of gasses in the large intestine, occasionally causing intense guffs, stinking your gaffe out with the smell of semi digested full English breakfast. (My definition – not MS Word, or from the oxford English dictionary I hasten to add)
Caprice – if you are reading, I just want to claim solidarity with you. Much like you, I mess up on words, and I also have loved Tony Adams, for different reasons of course. I never had a nice meal with him or anything like that. Just saw him try to kick that gristly lump Mark Hughes into next week, which probably gave me the same thrill and arousal as you had when he romantically stretched his fingers out, for you to try his crispy duck pancake he lovingly prepared for you, with just the right amount of plum sauce and cucumbers sliced lengthways. The way you like them.
This blog is dedicated to Dora and brought to you by semi digested full English breakfasts. The choice of hardmen.