I bought some essentials from tesco the other day, you know, the usual, bread, milk, red wine, lobsters.
I never make an effort for tesco, I just look like I've got out of bed, which of course is usually the case. So I'm queuing up in a daze and bleary eyed in like a really shit outfit, blue tracksuit bottoms and a green jacket with a stupid brown beanie on (I mean colour clash, and white / red trainers too) and the lady at the checkout catches my interest.
She looks like a pensioner, but has dyed her hair jet black, she has ruby red lipstick on with a drawn on beauty mark on her left cheek. And no, I'm not saying I fancied her, far from it, but she was striking looking. How I'd imagine Robert Smith of the cure to look when he's 70, but a woman.
So anyway, she starts rabbiting on about shit, like they are supposed to do for "customer service" and I'm just going "yeah", "hmmm", "right" thinking about toast. But then I realise she is talking the most intense shit I've ever heard so I pay closer attention. She draws me in, like a supporting character in the X-Files, speaking quietly over the beep beep beep of the checkout in case some government agent is listening. I lean forward. She speaks slowly and clearly.
"I love the frosty weather.... the midges, and the gnats, they live in the grass... the frost, it kills them.... and those squirrells, those grey squirrells. They are invaders. I hear they are importing red squirrells from Germany to kill them all."
What fucked up weird shit. I was sort of scared that this 1920's goth progenitor was giving me this lowdown, but some guy with a mullett and a trucker hat was trying to pay for his six pack of Carlsberg special brew behind me and he had the shakes so I had to leave before she revealed more secrets. I must catch up with her again. See what other mysteries are occuring in rural Bedfordshire. Woooooooo!!!