Friday, 25 May 2007

Airport Security

When I don't shave, airport security like to feel me up. They are very polite, but it seems unshavedness is somehow a sign of being "dodgy" and thus there is a requirement to touch me, take my shoes off and loosen my belt. Which is fine, don't have a problem with it.

But next time I'm going to bring some baby oil (it would need to be less than 100ml of course) and tell them to the pretend that I'm their rap video bitch and get 4 security guys to rub it into me whilst I take off my clothes.

However, I think someone should mention to them, that international criminals might be tricking them by shaving before they get on planes. How many shaved criminals are slipping through the net? It is worrying.

By their very nature, criminals are sneaky, I wouldn't put it past them to shave, shocking as it may sound.

As for me, I hate my hair at the moment, its a big frizzy mess. I am unshaven as I when I shave I look like a big glistening melon spam head with a fat smooth neck and look utterly foolish. I need a haircut that tells people I'm street savvy, yet harmless, entertaining, yet moody. What sort of haircut evokes all of these elements? It is now my mission to discover it. Otherwise I will be a big frizzy muff head for the rest of my life. A real life playdough barber shop person, press the button and oozing hair comes out of all my pores until it envelopes my persona like bloated black caterpillars, you know the hairy ones that we all used to play with in the garden as a child, but don't see anymore (like white dog poo).

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